Holiday blues

How can I not feel left out if my brother-in-law and his wife gives my son and husband a Christmas gift (matching shirts from J Crew) and I got nothing. It is my baby's first Christmas and I'm sure the gift was intented for him. Then it might have been an afterthought at the store or online where they saw the matching shirt for an adult male.

My husband says it's not intentional and I imagine it was not meant to make me feel left out, but nonetheless it does. It hurts and it makes me feel like I'm not part of the family. I'm angry, upset and sad all at once. Intentional or not, what they did makes me feel this way and I just would have never been so unthoughtful to them or anyone else.

I'll get over it with time but why do people do such hurtful things to people.

Day 2 of pseudo sabbatical

Day 2 went just as fast as Day 1.

AM:
Had a call with Lisa at 9:30am. Let me tell you. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for a lot of things but on that top of the list right next to Hak is having an assistant. And not just any assistant, but someone like Lisa. She is the bomb! Even though she is part time, she takes care of so much for me. I trust her and rely on her a great deal and it's only been a couple of months. When I think of her, I just get the urge to exhale and smile.

Lisa is wrapping up a bunch of stuff for me at work so that I can really let go the next several weeks. I am so lucky to have her!

After our 30 minute check-in call, I drove to my beauty appointment with Deborah. Every 3 weeks! Such a commitment of time, money and energy but so worth it. Something I do just for me.

Noon:
Got my yummy gingerbread latte, with whip (!) and a panini at Starbucks on Union.

Afternoon:
Ran errands with hundreds of others on the road until dark.

• Dropped off loads of dry cleaning. My guy is so good. He had my items for pick up when I walked in and before I even handed him the slip. I commented on this since there were other customers there before and after me but I was the only one who didn't have to hand him the receipt for pick up. He had seen me parking in front of the store and got it all ready while I was putting money in the meter. So good to be a regular customer. I come to this dry cleaner in Noe even though I don't live there anymore. Guess loyalty has its perks sometimes.




• Next stop: Costco. Not sure why I thought it would be quiet since it is a week day. It wasn't because I forgot that it was the day before Thanksgiving and everyone was there either food shopping or getting an early start on Christmas shopping. I was looking for luggage which Costco didn't have. So I just ended up buying stuff I sort of needed and stocked up on some staple items like chicken broth and shower gel.




• TJ Max. Still looking for the small luggage we can bring on the plane. The last Samsonite broke on us after just 1 year or 2. TJ Max had nothing but large suitcases.

It's not even Thanksgiving yet and already the shoppers are out. The roads are congested and it takes twice as long to get to anywhere, let alone park! Lines are long and patience short. Yes, the holidays have arrived.

PM:
Cooked dinner. Ate while watching Psych on USA. Laughed a bunch and now updating my blog.

I'm procrastinating of course. I need to pack. Only 5 days but lots of sweaters, warm clothing and boots to squeeze strategically into that suitcase...

41 days to go.

Day 1 of pseudo sabbabitcal

Preface:

I am taking 5 weeks off from work to 'live' my life which I've neglected to do for the last 4 years. To de-stress, to relax, to think and to start writing again.

I feel a little like James Caan in the movie Misery. I write better with a cigarette. And for me, it helps to be outdoors, especially since I'm smoking and I don't ever smoke in the house.

Day 1:

AM - Picked up Ivie and went to the DMV in the city. What an interesting place with lots of characters from all walks of life. All races speaking various languages. All working and non-working classes. Young and old. All shapes and sizes. Along with the sites and sounds comes all sorts of not so pleasant smells...

After Ivie passed her written test and finally got her California driver's license after more than 3 years of moving here from Florida, and I took my new photo, we went to La Boulange in Noe Valley for brunch. It was great to catch up and just chill. We always have a blast - laughing between every other sentence.

AFTERNOON - Went home after I dropped Ivie off to chillax a bit before my doctor appointment. It was my first time seeing Dr. Bricca. He's at St. Mary's near the Panhandle. A few colleagues recommended him as a primary. I was feeling feverish continously a week or so ago and wanted to check it out. Just need to make sure I don't have any infections and a general check-up.

Turns out as I suspect and knew, I didn't/don't have a fever and we still don't know why I am always feeling so uncomfortably hot. To make sure there isn't anything serious, of course blood had to be drawn to run some tests. Oh how I dislike needles. I actually thought about leaving without doing the labs but figured I should get it out of the way. Who actually likes having their blood drawn?

PM - Got home after 5pm and it was dark already...I really miss daylight savings. I was exhausted from not doing much of anything at all (though I did have 2 needed appointments). Time flies whether you are having fun, going to appointments, doing errands or doing nothing at all. Time is just passing by all too quickly!

Had some left over chinese food while watching TV and took a nap while waiting for Hak to come home.

Now it's again 11:30pm and I find myself wondering where the day went and how the hours passed.

Day 1 is almost over...42 more days left until I go back to the hectic life I am trying to let go of for a little while. Have to remember to slow down, live and enjoy the moments.

Cleaning and Organizing calms me

I woke up from a nightmare at 8am this morning. 9am really but daylight savings ended last night so though I technically gained an hour, I, who normally sleep in on weekends until 10am or 11am, didn't gain any more sleep but in face got up at 8am.

I think it was because I had a vivid nightmare last night. I dreamt I was going to miss my flight to NYC (My boss is flying to NYC today and long ago I had planned on going with him but changed my plans a while back.) and was doing everything I could to catch it. Including climbing up the Brooklyn Bridge on a teeny tiny rope ladder, despite of my fear of heights. The interesting thing is I was in NYC already but trying to catch a flight to NYC.

I woke up needing to do something productive and wanted to distract myself from the weird dream. While I would normallyl chill on the sofa catching up on some tv shows, I decided to start cleaning and organizing which sometimes overwhelms me since I am so detailed it may take me hours just to organize one kitchen drawer. But starting the process feels good.

I needed a break and wanted to write - something else that I used to do a lot to calm myself but I haven't taken the time in years to write regularly like I used to.

Life is short and why not make the time to do the things I love and makes me happy or relaxes me.

Today is a new day. Must start these habits and routines and do my best to keep them.

obama = president!

November 4, 2008 is a historical day.

It's a new day in America.

Although I am not too surprised, it is still an amazing moment in my life time. This was only my second time voting, the first being just 4 years ago for Kerry who did not win but I realized tonight will not be my last time at the voting booth. I heard someone on TV at Rockefeller Center in my home town of NYC say, "Although the person I voted for did not win, I'm so happy to be here at this moment." The democratic system works and we all have a voice and a choice.

Obama just gave his acceptance speech. I see Rev Jessie Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, among many other American faces in the thousands. Jessie Jackson and Oprah both have the same expression - so happy and in disbelief but utterly moved and insanely elated that they look almost in pain with furrowed brows and teary eyes not quite wiped completely.

What I remember most from Obama's speech is this: "I will listen to you (American people), especially when we disagree..." I was sold already but that seals the deal. Any leader who says this will always have my respect and admiration.

The cynical worry wart in me also saw this: bullet proof glass all around the stage. I'm worried for Obama and his family. Some nut out there must be pissed that he won. Possibly a raciest. Perhaps a Republican. Maybe just a crazy loonie. I hope I'm wrong or that s/he do not succeed.

Soundbite from Sedaris - Oct 27, 2008

"NO PHOTOS PLEASE", David Sedaris

David Sedaris @ the Opera House, SF 27 Oct 2008

I wondered when I arrived at the Opera House if David Sedaris knew just how many people had come to see him read out loud. The line for Will Call was long and growing to the end of the block. The two lines to get in were not much better. I had a feeling David knew. This wasn't his first book tour and certainly not his first sold out show. I especially wondered though if he ever wondered that all these people, who obviously adore and love him, would be here, just for him - all while he was still a struggling writer - when no one else had yet called him a writer and to him, he was just a 'typist', as he thought of himself years ago. I wondered if he knew he would draw crowds on his own when he was an elf at Macy's Herald Square manning crowds who came, not for him per say, but for Santa and Santaland.

Last night was amazing. It was my first running, book signing, whatever you want to call it. And I had splurg for front row seats in the orchestra pit. We were so close to the stage I could have felt David Sedaris's spit, had he showered upon us. I haven't laughed consistently for so long at such honesty and wit in a long time. Although my husband does do a good job at it on a regular basis.

remember: don't get too close

Don't trust too much and don't ever get too close. Especially in San Francisco...

once a month, i wish i were a man...

I had the best night last night but when I woke up, I knew it would be one of 'those' days. First of all, it's a Monday. It's also going to be the last week for my boss before he takes off for a whole month on sabbatical = hectic and crazy week for us both.

I was grumpy, moody and super irritable. I knew I was especialy annoyed, by every little thing and by everyone. And it's only MONDAY!

Then at 5pm, it came. I knew I was freaking PMSing. The next couple of days will really be hell!

Kalt & Stacey's housewarming

We went to Stacey and Kalt's housewarming where half of the couples there were mixed. When I came home, I started googling: "White guys with Asian girls" and found that I am not the only one who is well aware of this wide spread phenomenon here in the Bay Area.

I was chatting with someone at work when I first started in the beginning of the year. She saw a photo of me and Hak on my wall and asked, 'Is this your husband?' When I replied yes, she commented that I had married traditional. I thought, 'WTF?' What is that supposed to mean really? Obviously at that point, I suspected she married someone other than her own asian heritage and I was right.

Which reminded me of a conversation I had with the HR director from my last job. She was a nut job and turned out to be a royal evil bitch. She asked what nationality my boyfriend (at the time) was. I said asian. And she said, 'Really? I'm surprised. I thought you'd be with a white guy. You seem the type to be with a white guy. Again, WTF is that supposed to mean? Needless to say, she is a flip and her husband is white.

I've always been one to say that you cannot control your heart or who you fall in love with. I also believe that you fall in love with the person's soul and not the color of his/her skin. I've dated other of my own asian race but find myself annoyed at people who only date one particular race or seeks out only one particular race other than their own. I know I shouldn't care and it really isn't any of my business but yeah, it bugs me more than it should.

During my google search, I came upon this site:
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/20/11-asian-girls/

And there was this comment thread which depressed the hell out of me:

somethingelse on July 26, 2008 at 3:44 pm
asian girls do look like they are 20 … but only until they are 45… then they look 72 the next day. strange phenomenon.
Reply to this comment

Not a white girl on July 27, 2008 at 12:23 pm
that’s true… somethingelse. asian women don’t crack til about 45, then all the sudden go downhill. i’ve seen it in my aunts, and other asian women. wierd….
Reply to this comment

The thing is, I think this is really true! I see the slightest signs of aging as I leave my 30's. It's as if I've looked younger than my years for the longest time and all of a sudden, I am begining to finally look my age. (Although people at work still think I am years younger than I am.)

I will feel forever young and I don't think I will ever lose the childest enthusium that I have, but slowly I'll need to get used to looking old(er)!

what irks me most

1. Not having close friends in the same time zone so that when I come home from work late, which is often and I want to catch up, bitch, laugh, cry, whatever - I can't call anyone. They are all sleeping.
2. not capitalizing the first letter of the first word of a sentence in everything you type is fine in a casual setting: text, emails to friends, memos to self. etc. however, it is NOT acceptable and is down right annoying when people do this at work. just plain unprofessional.
3. People who stand on the left side of the escalator who don't don't move to the right hand side if they don't plan to move their arses, walk up or down - especially during rush hour.
4. Drivers who still are still using their cell phones in the car while driving.
5. Drivers who don't signal.
6. The company trying to be green at work by buying less bottled water and installing a water system for employees to use. What this has created is people hording all the bottled water in the morning since there is limited supply so that if you have an afternoon meeting with clients or partners, good luck carrying more than 2 big cheap plastic red glasses of H2o to the conference room without spilling.
7. People who are obviously not friends but really acquaintences when they ask you how you are doing at your new job and say the wrong company name. Obviously, they weren't listening or cared at your going away happy hour or the number of times you saw them afterwards.
8. Don't complain to me about people giving you unwanted advice now that you've learned you are pregnant and then turn around and dish out unsolicited annoying advice to me that my doctor has not even mentioned to me.
9. Know it alls.
10. Snotty elitists.
11. More often than and I don't want this to irk me but it does: minus one couples.
12. 50-60 degree weather in freakin July. Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

To be continued...

Fritz in Hayes Valley

Grabbed a bite to eat after the wedding on Hayes Street. They recently moved next door to where they were and renovated. I miss the coziness of the old place. It's more modern now and they lost the outdoor garden space in the back!

The 'fritz' is still great. My favorite dipping sauce with the fries is the wasabi mayo! YUM.

a&w's wedding

I have not been to a wedding since Li's in Hawaii in 2005. But that was a destination wedding and a totally different category. The last wedding before that one was Jake's in New York in 2003? 2002? It was so long ago that I can't even remember the year.

There was a time between 1996 and 2000 when I went to a lot of weddings. People were still getting married in their 20's right after they graduated from college and landed a decent job. Most were dating their college sweetheart. Some their high school loves. Others found their mates shortly after college. They followed 'the plan'. Graduate, get a job, get married, make some babies. Pretty much all of my friends were on this path. Only I was not. I was with someone for 12 years and never took the next step. We were engaged for more than half our relationship - for 8 years. We got engaged even before some of our married friends starting dating each other! We, or I had thought it was enough at the time. We were committed. No need to get married for the paperwork to make it official. In hindsight, I think neither one of us wanted to grow up and move into true adulthood. We were having too much fun being young and carefree. Too selfish to think about starting a family or becoming husband and wife.

I was so anxious this morning about going to this wedding today. I was nervous about who the other possible guests may be. There was one person in particular who might have been invited that I didn't particularly wanted to see. She had not been very nice to me in the past. We were colleagues and once friendly but all that changed when I got promoted and she didn't. She stopped talking to me the very day the promotions were announced. I know it shouldn't matter and that with someone like that I shouldn't even let it bother me. She, it, isn't worth it. But of course, I'm human and may be a bit sensitive and it did/does bother me to this day. After all, I tried to talked to her to find out why. But some conflicts have no resolutions. And some situations are just the way it is. There are some things in life I've learned I cannot change and should not care to change. If she wasn't happy for me in my well deserved promotion, than she was never a real friend in the first place!

I knew today is not about me and that I should just suck it up. The day belonged to a&w and I had to show up in support and celebration of their love in marriage.

In the end, she was was not there or not even invited. I will never know and I don't care anymore. At least I did not have to be fake and smile as if nothing was wrong.

It was the shortest ceremony I had ever been to. And it was perfect. They got right to the important part and the reason why we were all there - to witness the exchange of the marriage vows and to hear them say, 'I do!' The whole thing was over in 5 minutes. I know because I had my Flip and recorded the whole thing.

Aimee asked me what's it like to be married, to be a Mrs now. And I told her the truth. I think I wrote it in their card as well. The ring, the ceremony...doesn't change anything. Nothing really changes. And nothing really matters as long as the love they have for each other never changes. And now people might even start to call her husband by her last name instead of his since she is not changing her name.

things i miss about nyc

In no particular order

1. 24 hour Duane Reades on every other block
2. Starbucks on every other block
3. 'regular' coffee
4. coffee carts
5. Biales! - Toasted and dripping with butter.
6. convenience
7. modern, clean, affordable nail spas everywhere
8. the subway
9. the bus
10. Chinatown Ice Cream Factory
11. The best beef jerky ever - on Mulberry
12. People walk. At all hours
13. homeless problem controlled
14. Central Park!
15. Canal Street
16. The midtown tunnel
17. The Yankees
18. The US Open
19. Big Wong restaurant
20. warm nights
21. 4 seasons
22. all the bridges - Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queensboro, Verrizano
23. Battery Park
24. my friends
25. my sister

chicken and waffles

The strangest combo. Not bad and quite interesting. Seems to be all the rage since Dave was just talking about having us over but that he hasn't perfected this recipe of chicken and waffles yet. Then a couple of weeks later, Hak tells me that Geoff wants to try out this place in Oakland that serves chicken and waffles.

So we go and ate the crispiest, very juicy and tasty fried chicken serves with waffles, butter and syrup. And of course, as many sides as you'd like to order: greens, corn bread, grits, yams, potato salad, mac and cheese.

HK Starbucks experience - 16 June 2008

HK tram ride - 16 June 2008

things i love about living in sf

1. being able to make right turns on a red
2. ?
3. ?

new job

I started my job on December 12, 2007. We are very lucky to have found each other. my employer and my boss rocks, and so do i.

I like my job very much. Be careful of what you wish for. I asked for more challenging work and it is just that - challenging. I'm certainly not bored like I was at my last job. The day zips by. It's only been 3 months. I'm still adjusting. Lots more to learn. A couple of weeks ago, my boss got a big promotion. You all know what that means. Self explanatory what happens to me...Like I said, I'm adjusting.

I think adapting to change is a must in life. After all, change is the one constant in life. NOTHING ever stays the same.

Being at my new job reminded me of living in SF. I like living in SF but I'm homesick every single day. This is a great city but it doesn't feel like home to me. It's not something that can be taught or forced. I wait for the feeling of being home here all the time. I'm still waiting. I think one day, miraculously, I will adjust. Whatever is missing, whatever I am looking for will just start to exist. It will feel right and I will not feel so empty.

I like my new job very much. But I don't love it, yet. And the place does not yet feel like home. I can't complain about modern, renovated, high tech environment, all with the free drinks, cheap parking and other ammenities. The people I work with are super smart, respectful, fun, kind. They work hard and I love that they play hard. Then why don't I love it yet? Well, for one thing, I still feel like an outsider. It's kind of like high school. I still feel like the new kid during the first semester. Everyone has history with one another. They all went to grade school, junior high together. They've been with each other for years.

No one will believe me when I confess I am shy in nature. If you are part of my life, you would doubt me, too. But this is how I feel at the core, a bit shy, just as I did as a kid. I'm blessed with major social skills and can totally be 'on' Monday through Friday 9-6+ and beyond; and whenever necessary; but really, I think what feels second nature now was learned and practiced. I never feel all that comfortable around a large group, or even a small group of people I am not close to. Hard to explain...

I've heard home is where you make it. Maybe some, like me, will never feel at home anywhere, no matter where we are.

good sf eats

In no particular order:

1. the front porch
2. boulevard
3. range
4. kiss
5. pescheria
6. absinthe
7. slanted door
8. salt house
9. turtle tower restaurant
10. universal cafe
11. ame